I know that many people are going to be trying to smoke cannabis for the first time in the next several years. My home state of Illinois is legalizing recreational cannabis in January, which means even more new cannabis users in the market.

As silly as my experience was, I can’t be the only pot newbie nose breather who couldn’t learn how to inhale. Here’s my story — and the exact method I used to actually get high for the first time. Stop wasting your weed and start smoking right. You’ll look silly — but you’ll get stoned.

---

Background

I was pretty much the D.A.R.E. president growing up. I wrote anti-drug poems and bought hook, line, and sinker into the gateway drug propaganda that ruled my childhood. I judged my drug addict aunt and uncle, broke up with my high school boyfriend because he wouldn’t stop smoking weed, and vowed to “just say NO” forever.

26 years, independent research, a divorce, PTSD, crippling anxiety, and seizures changed my mind.

I was dating the cannabis aficionado — who is now my badass husband. He smoked around me every evening, and I loved the smell and the way it tasted on him. Occasionally, I would take a hit, hoping to understand the appeal or see the benefits — but it just didn’t do anything to me.

After several failed attempts (and by several… I mean probably closer to 50), I finally decided that I just must not be doing it right. I knew I was a nose breather and that breathing through my mouth — especially with something in it — wasn’t exactly the most natural movement in the world for me.

I’ve never been the most coordinated person in the world. My parents literally used to watch out their bedroom window as I played outside — laughing because I was so much less coordinated than my younger brother.

So, I figured it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility for me to be smoking entirely wrong.

How I Learn How To Inhale

One night, in a stroke of pure brilliance and profound hilarity, I decided to hold my nose while taking a hit. A big one.

The cough came immediately, followed by stars and a sense of imbalance. I was standing on the front porch on a beautiful night, and I immediately felt disoriented. It was pleasant but strange.

It was a random Tuesday evening; I had work in the morning; and I had just taken a huge hit and actually inhaled for the first time. The cannabis was coursing through my body like so many dreams and shooting stars. I felt amazing.

But I couldn’t quite make it up the stairs on my own. The cannabis aficionado helped me into bed. He asked me to hold a glass for him, and it felt so heavy in my hand. I panicked.

“I can’t hold this forever,” I said — frenzy and worry dripping from my voice.

He took the glass, and I realized how absurd it was that I was so high I couldn’t hold a glass of Cherry Dr. Pepper. I remembered holding my nose, thought back to the countless times I’d wasted weed and swallowed air.

And so I laughed.

Laughed like I only laughed with Grandma and Mom while playing Scrabble or Skipbo — our laughs syncing like some multi-generational harmony. Grandpa would just sit back in his seat and smile his wry smile. Dad would joke that we’d never be able to stop. Sometimes I believed him.

Laughs like that bubble up from deep inside your soul, and once they break loose, they don’t want to stop — wracking your body with wave after wave of boundless joy. But then your body hurts, and you can’t stop. And the joy is still there — but there’s a weight attached to it.

Why was I crying uncontrollably? There were tears on my face, and my sides hurt so bad! I was breathless and scared because I didn’t remember why I was crying.

I panicked and started crying for real. What was going on? Why was I so sad?

Wait… I was crying from laughing so hard. I was hurting because I couldn’t stop laughing — my sides heaving in and out beyond my control.

How could I forget that I was laughing? How absurd!

And so I was laughing again.

Laughing like I laughed with Maggie in the living room over two bowls of ice cream. I don’t even remember what was funny — only that we couldn’t stop — that we were literally rolling around, sobbing, in some weird ecstatic frenzy of uncontrollable laughter.

I hid my face so I wouldn’t see her trying not to laugh. Watching her try to control it was the most hilarious thing I’d ever seen — only because I too was fighting with everything I had not to collapse into giggles again. We would pause for a few moments and catch our breath, and then one of us would blink or breathe too deeply or move half an inch, and the laughter would start again.

I went back and forth — laughing and crying —several times. It was cathartic, and admittedly a bit scary at times. Thankfully, I had the cannabis aficionado with me to remind me that I was safe when I had moments of panic.

Cannabis has changed my life for the better. Since I started smoking, I have had significantly less pain, inflammation, and sickness. My CRAZY hormones and periods have regulated themselves. I’ve lost 30 pounds, and my fatty liver has healed itself — even though I’ve actually started drinking occasionally.

I don’t have to hold my nose anymore when I smoke pot, and you won’t either after you practice a bit.

But for nose breathers, figuring out the process can be a lot harder than we’d like to admit.

And finally, here’s the exact method I used to start inhaling cannabis like a pro.

For all the rest of you who just can’t seem to smoke right, here’s my technique for actually inhaling.

You’ll look silly, but you’ll get stoned.

Still having trouble? I found that when I purse my lips more, I have a harder time actually inhaling. I have no idea why, but using a pipe with a larger mouthpiece has been helpful for me. When I’m smoking from a smaller piece, I sometimes leave my mouth open a little bit. Even though I draw in a bit of regular air with the smoke, this makes it easier for me to actually inhale rather than just sucking the smoke into my mouth.